Introduction to Motherhood

Each one of us has such a unique journey to motherhood and this is the story of mine. I hope that sharing my challenges I have faced and how I overcame them can help someone out there that is currently in the thick of what seems like a forever uphill battle. I see you; continue to hold onto hope because it will be your guiding star. 

Jared and I were married for about three years before we decided to try for a baby. We started in 2014, and after a year, nothing was happening. After failed pregnancy tests after the other, we decided Jared would get checked because I had pretty regular periods, and I had a feeling that there might be something wrong. We scheduled an appointment with an urologist. He had Jared take a sample, and we were to come back in a few weeks for the results. The day came for our follow-up appointment, and we sat patiently for the doctor to come in. He finally came in after what felt like ages. He looked down at the results, and I could tell it wasn't good news as the doctor contemplated how to tell us the information. He finally spoke and said there is zero sperm, known as azoospermia. We asked several questions, and he was not hopeful that anything could be done. (we would later see another doctor who would tell us the same news) We both left the doctor's office in complete shock, and I don't think it hit me until we drove away. All the thoughts that fled my brain were pure sorrow. I could see all my dreams taken away, views of never carrying a baby, never decorating a nursery, never seeing Jared become a father, and so many more. I remember writing a message letting my family know the devastating news, and I also wrote in my notes that read, "03/11/2015 we found out we were infertile." 

Life continued forward as I leaned on my faith and felt optimistic about the future, and learned to be content with Jared and I for now as we looked towards adoption in the end. Fast forward to 2016, Jared and I had the opportunity to move to Idaho for Jared's career in the elevator trade. After a year, Jared noticed a growth on his testicle ( we were told this growth was not something to be concerned with unless it grew), so very nervous, we scheduled a highly recommended urologist in Boise Idaho. We had the worst thoughts going through our minds, but eventually, it was a diagnosis of why Jared was not producing sperm; he had a varicocele vein. A Varicocele is an enlargement of the veins that transport oxygen-depleted blood away from the testicle. The doctor gave us the most incredible miracle and answer and said, "we can do a surgery to stop this vein from basically killing any sperm production, and after six months to a year, we can check sperm production, and that will be the amount you produce for the rest of your life. Which before was zero, so we were so happy that there was a potential to at least do IVF if he had any sperm. We did this procedure in Idaho, and a few months later, we were able to move back to Vegas for a job offer. 

After settling into Vegas again, we visited Sher fertility, which is now known as Nevada fertility. We spoke with the doctor, and he was still not optimistic about our outcome to have children. He was one of the Doctors that told us it wasn't possible. I know he had our best interest because IVF is very expensive unless you have insurance to help (which thankfully we did); its a significant financial and emotional burden. 

After we got his consent to move forward, we did another sperm analysis which we were so nervous about because they hadn't found any before. I remember waiting for the call, and Jared and I were headed to the Temple. We got the ring, and the woman said there was a sperm, but it was dead. We both looked at each other so excited, and the woman was so sweet and bummed for us, and we said that's good news to us because we hadn't had any before. I'm sure the people in the office were so confused, but we believed in miracles, and we knew GOD could make this happen. We said ok; we would check in April because that would be the six-month mark from Jared's surgery. In April, they found more, but I think they were still dead, but we still wanted to move forward with IVF. July would be the month, and I would go through all the prep to make that happen. We didn't know what would happen the day we went in. So how IVF works is they have to remove the matured eggs to be fertilized. I went under anesthesia, and Jared was leaving a sample. As I woke up from anesthesia, I got the news that there were enough sperm to fertilize all my eggs. I cried so hard, God had given us a miracle, and we wouldn't have to do any retrieving surgically from Jared. We waited for day 5, and we had precisely two embryos to transfer. On July 19th, 2018 we transferred two embryos and found out we were expecting our first baby two weeks later. 

Our first baby boy William is our miracle baby and has continued to show us miracles. He ended up passing away during childbirth after carrying him for 41 weeks. Sometimes it's hard to think why we had to go through so much to lose him close to meeting him. To me, it's another testament of God and his purpose and each of our purpose. I gave William a body, and he fulfilled his mission on earth and continues to fulfill a mission on the other side. I cannot wait until the day I see all that he has accomplished and will accomplish. I don't have all the answers, but I lean on the peace and sacred moments I have been given over and over again. There are plenty of days I question those very answers, but I can't let myself forget my miracle. I know that we were given miracles for him to be here, and he would be if he was meant to be here. I will write more about William, but it's a more sacred and challenging thing. As for now, I will share my coping methods and my life with grief. 

After a year since William's passing, we were able to do IVF again and conceived our son Liam. He has been my saving grace and filled my empty heart. I have discovered motherhood in so many ways, and I have grown so much through it. I can't wait to show more about how I am getting through my grief and just life. We hope to continue our family as two more embryos are waiting for us.